Thursday, 25 May 2017

Parenting Anxiety

Did you know that there is everyone thinks they are experts? Well yeah we all seen these so called friends offering an advice on any subject... 
But did you know how much pressure there is from the society on parents? And the judgment. So freaking much!
I am also guilty of that, I am working on that though. 
However this isn't a post about this. This is a post about me freaking out about my spirited toddler who woke up today before 5am. 


Edgar is now 2 and 8 months old. He is a happy, active boy, with a very strong personality... 
We are the only people around with a kid.
I speak Russian to him, when I don't forget... 
So Egg interacts better with adults and really not fussed on other kids. And he doesn't talk. He finds his way to get stuff he wants directing us and we can understand him. It would be a nightmare if we didn't. 
Oh and I don't work and hubby works all the time to support us. Basically with him being a chef and it is very difficult to find a job that would fit around childcare... 

So... our nursery is a bit concerned about these issues with little Egg man. Our health visitor referred us to speech therapy... it's truly wonderful to have so many resources on NHS but since these are on NHS wait and  time scales are ridicules. To get a proper advice and comments from a therapist they want to see him in nursery. And the only time they can come in to see him  is July! Two months from now. And Edgar been referred as priority.... 

And all of this makes me angry and super worried. I am certain that the kid just doesn't want to talk and doesn't want to play with kids just yet coz the adults are more interesting. 
I was mainly with adults and played by myself, I turned out ok. 
I am also worried with all this professionals around him looking for something unsual they will find it. 

And then I blame my self... 
I blame my self for not taking all the time to him. I blame my self for speaking Russian and for speaking not enough Russian. I blame myself for not being able to find work and that's why kid doesn't have a lot of nursery time (read other kid interaction). I blame myself for not ignoring all the mummy's cliques at play groups and stop going. I blame myself for everything. 

Welcome to mumming world! It is amazing and wonderful and yet terrible and isolating.... 

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Only love can...

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that" Martin Luther King Jr 

... I have no words... 


Sunday, 21 May 2017

Crazy Plant Obsession

I think I always had plants in my life... 
in the summer our balcony was like a little jungle back home. It was the only place that got sun all day long. 
So it wasn't a new scandi trend that I am into. 
However the love for plants didn't mean that I can pot, prune and put them in the right place... but it all has changed. Thanks to hubby dearest who is also rather greenfingered himself, he showed me how to plant, repot and what happens when he looses interest and forgets to water things... 
He doesn't water when I tend to overwater... no middle ground here. Oh and little one loves to water too.

We got a new succulent friend while food shopping yesterday. 

But luckily I have started to google and read on the plant subject so my green babies will thrive. 
I got to say our windowsill is super pretty 

I also learnt how to propagate some plants. It's actually easy and really satisfying. And then I give new plant babies away.
With warmer weather our garden is also looking rather  greener... but the mint! Who ever owned our house before planted the mint... without any way of limiting it. It's everywhere! I pulled some out of middle of patio in between the paving tiles. So my advice grow mint in a container! 

 Since the garden is still growing and not quiet finished there are only few photos of it. But this is the wonderful hydrangea we got from the flower show... 
Fun fact it was light blue when I brought it home. 


They change their colour depending of acidity in the soil. It has change the colour again... into more pinkish territory. 
Now I really want to clear the house of unwanted furniture and then hang some brackets up to hand flower pots of. It would be magical! 

Have a lovely weekend everyone! 
We are off to the Sunday market to see if I can score some more plants.
Sorry husband, I know I have promised not to get anymore... 

Sunday, 14 May 2017

My favourite shops

I love clothes and fashion... I love stuff and things makes me happy. I used to have so many shoes.... and some of them I haven't even worn before... and ever. 
I still have few shoes that I can't wear anymore since I had my son. My feet changed, just as much as my body did. I am still tiny size 2,5 to 3 (35-36 European) but now I also have wide feet. 


Yeap my feet got fat! And some of my old shoes are no good anymore. Damn! So I still fit into my wedding shoes? Will have to check this later. 
But as I got older I am trying to be more mindful of things I own. Sadly I would still get my things at cheap highstreet chains but I am getting less. I do not need tons of dresses and tees... 
I came to realise that I wear only certain things. If before I would wear dressed and would never wear shorts, now I mainly wear shorts, jeans and tees ... best gear to chase the toddler around. Now I am more conscious about my stuff to go with one another rather just be say a top that I can only wear with one thing.
But there are few exceptions to my new enlightened shopping way... 

Edgar... kid grows, ruins his clothes.


How cute is this hat?! And how cute is Egg in this hat. But it is straw. Like a delicate straw. So not for this energy ball!
Skin care... lotions, soaps.... I love these. 
Home... oh I love a nice stroll through a homeward department. 

Especially candels, such an easy way to transform your home. With dimmed flickering light and a scent. 
And my new obsession plants... 

Got this little guy at the RHS Flower Show. He has been repotted and has taken a proud spot on sunny windowsill in our bedroom... however I have promised  to hubby not to get anymore just yet.

This fast fashion culture we have it truly terrible. The waste, recycling, labour... have you seen that BBC Huw's war on waste from couple of years ago when he stood on the mountain of clothing? 
And think of these people who lost their lives in Bangladesh when the factory building collapsed... Here is a little Indi article on the subject...
I found this video on YouTube with great explanation of fast fashion.

But don't get me wrong, we cannot just shop ethically all the time. It is possible but not when I do not work personally, for example...  But do you really need new outfit every time you go out on the weekend? Or a brand new holiday wardrobe? So I am trying to shop more mindful if you like. Think before I buy... I have started to make a wish list every month of things I would like to have and goals I would like to achieve. And I go to say it really helps...

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

So retail not for me

Last few weeks I have had adventures in trying to get a job in a very nice shop... in order not to offend and perhaps general witchines (with a B) I shall not say what shop it is. But if you are friends on Facebook you know. 
So these guys had a notice outside their shop about the "recruitment" event. Well I thought you don't know unless you try.

Well it was something I definitely haven't done before and something very different. 
There was a massgive amount of people, think must have been about 80-100 of us turned up. And I was the minority, everyone seemed to be young and fresh, and born in 90s or even 00s. Strange feeling of not belonging came over me, like I am old and uncool. Husband texted saying that I am actually vintage.... 
I was almost the last person to get a one to one interview that lasted like 5minutes and been offered the trial shift. 
This got me very excited. I didn't think about it much. But when I got there and was let loose on the customer ... well I guess I just like to asses people first. Some one them just bored and pop over to kill time. I mean I quiet regularly do this myself and really not impressed when some one is trying to "assist" me. 
When I was sent home I felt super down. Like poop and totally disappointed in myself. 
I didn't hear back from them. Perhaps actually keeping people's cv handy or not taking email addresses on scraps of paper... oh never mind. 
Later same day I realised that I am just being silly, I never wanted to work in retail, I also wasn't sure if I would be able to make the hours with childcare. Would they accommodate my childcare needs? But I guess we will never know. 
What I did take away from this is that I can blab my way in without much difficulty. That I don't want to work in this type of retail. That happiness and perkiness should be real and not put on like a mask, I love genuine happiness. 
But it again brought me to the thought about flexibily... most of the employers want flexible employees but they aren't willing to be flexible themselves. Damn childcare is such a complicated issue... 

Monday, 1 May 2017

British Films

The easiest thing for me to do is to run away to the cinema. I love it. I have an unlimited card, I pay monthly fee and go to the cinema as much as I want. Even if it is too see the same film, yeah thinking about Rogue One. Gosh I loved that one so much!
But somehow lately I have managed to see mainly, British films. And these films couldn't be more different. 
First one I saw was Free Fire.


Oh my how different the story is... and it appears that everyone shoot like a storm trooper...badly. Basically a story about the shoot out and how things can escalate very quickly. This film is also very funny. Like super funny. Shame it wasn't in the cinema for too long. 
Another film that was in the cinema just for a week is City Of Tiny Lights


This film is actually adoptation of Patrick Neate's novel with the same title. Sort of a detective story, and a book I think I would rather enjoy... but my reading is mainly consists of Julia Donaldson and other wonderful kiddie writers. Maybe when I will have a bit more free time. I really enjoyed this film and I really enjoyed the interview it's lead Riz Ahmed did for Kermod and Mayo film review podcast... 
If you have time do watch this film. You will enjoy it. 

And the last film I saw, that had less diversity was Their Finest 


Good war time tale of movie magic to cheer up the masses. And one woman's struggle to make women's contribution known. It is not nessesary and feminist story but it has this feel. Visually this film is stunning and nostalgic I guess. Funny moments are funny, sad moments are super sad, and do not trust the artist. 
Once again a very good film, very enjoyable. This picture will appear to mass audience more than the other ones but it doesn't mean either of these films are bad. Their just very different and the last one just ticks all the demographic boxes. 
So yeah 3 very different film and all three were definite worth my time. Even if the chap in the row behind me was singing along with characters in their finest. Very strange. 

Sunday, 16 April 2017

Sunny day out. RHS flower show

This post is mainly picture. ... we were at the flower show in Bute Park in Cardiff. Here is what we saw and enjoyed looking at.


The RHS makes a lovely day out. Weather was glorious, flowers were fragrant, what more can you wish on your weekend in April. 
They also have good few kiddie activities. We're we're even newly hatched chicks for little ones to look at, story time... If you think they only have flowers and garden stuff you are mistaken, there is also a food quarter and bunch of craft stalls. We will be going again next year! Will you? 

Toy overload. Parenting hack.

We are the only one with a child so we get a lot of toys given. And it is wonderful, however...
  • Toys took over our living space
  • Egg didn't show any interest in any
  • Mess was everywhere
  • Noisy toys are the worst!
  • All the storage is for toys 
  • Egg empties everything 
This has to stop! But how to you tell people that enough of toys please and do not sound like an ungrateful SOB? Well for Christmas we set the limit that if you are getting Egg a toy get just one.
Yeah that worked.... I suppose grand parents are here to spoil! But we also got a lot of book, and this is actually super awesome! Thank you great grand mama aka Snowy. 
So after spending yet another evening mainly putting the toys away I have decided to sort and hide. So I put away all the little toys and ones he hasn't really play with since being a little baba. 
Then I put all the wooden blocks, wooden cars, wooden train track together and took it to the spare room. Same happened to noisy toys... now I have to say these were hidden very fast and pretty much aren't coming back in batches. Some toys were just put together coz I couldn't categorize them... and the abundance of soft toys were put into these lovely bags you vacuum the air out of. He just isn't into them. I mean I have left some around, like talking Rock, Elmo and a rattly caterpillar we got from the monthly box
We had wooden toys out for a while so I finally took them away and left the school bus and Twirlywoos... 
The child played with them for 40min in the morning. 
And later refused to go out since he was busy playing 


So here we have a happy boy about to make a ramp out of the sofa's cushion... 
Well he is happy and it's less to tidy after. I call it a win win situation! 
I understand that it might not work for everyone, we are lucky enough to have space to hide this hoard of toys. 
One of my mates from high school actually was giving her daughter a box full of certain toys a day to play with. Same result! 
I am actually amazed and a bit proud of this post, a parenting hack! Who would have thought I would be doing this! 

Monday, 10 April 2017


I finally went to see Logan last week... 
... Damn! 
So let me start form the beginning. I enjoy X men franchise... but I haven't seen them all. I missed the Wolverine  and the X Men Apocalypse (from few summers ago). But unfortunately I have seen the last stand... it was poo.

 But nether the less I do enjoy my superheroes with mutant flare. 
I have heard good things about Logan. But also that it has very graphic violence and is a very different film to all the others... and weren't these people right!

Good story telling, and truly heart breaking throughout. You know when you see a film where kids are in peril it is sad but when you are a parent and ... well I was in tears good few times. 
It is also a good stand alone film. Like Fantastic beasts. You don't have to be invested into the universe. But you still can enjoy the film. 
The young Dafne Keen is great, such a excellent performance from such a young actor. 
Now the big question is if I would see it again.... and you know. Yes I would. Not this year perhaps but I would love to see it again. 
I am just working my way through the old X Men films... and they hold pretty good. 

Friday, 7 April 2017

Geekery. Got it from my hubby.

We have this fab saying in Russian you get your traits from people you are with. Well I guess this is true. All my expressions and mannerisms are very very similar to my mother. But then again she is my mother so I guess that's ok. 
I also picked up a lot of expressions and words from husband. Well I suppose if some one says "poo" to a lot of things for over 11 years you sort stray doing it too... 
However what I didn't expect is how much I am influenced in my choices for "crap TV" and films by him. I recently started to enjoy watching wrestling... I know my Marvel from DC. And I really love Dr Who. 
I even marked out calendar when the great doctor is back on BBC! 


I actually remember watching Christopher Eccelston becoming the new Doctor. I was waiting for the train back to Neuchatel from my place of training in Chaux de Fonds, I had BBC on in changing room... but I didn't think twice about it until I moved in with hubby in 2006. 
But as wrestling I am more of an expert that I was. I love that they stopped having female wrestlers just as an eye candy, they are proper athletes and have their own belt. There is still issues with it, but WWE are moving forward and evolving. Oh and yes I loved their life shows that I have attended... I have wrote about this before
Hubby doesn't like Star Wars he is more Star Trek... I on the other hand not the Star Trek. Well I like the new films, but so not series. I guess we still have own interests but are influenced by each other in some way... I am so excited to get Rogue One on blue ray next week! 

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Card Holidays ....

My hubby is a chef and I myself have been working in the industry for years so when some one says you might have to work the bank holidays, I don't even blink. I am used to it. 
However it feels a bit different now... 
Now that my job is being at home rearing a child. 
This Sunday just gone it was the Mother's Day in U.K. It's a nice holiday I guess... all the family getting together to celebrate these important women. 
It is also a very busy day at restaurants ... just like St Valentine's Day! It became overcrowded and commercial. I don't need this public displays of affection... also what is it like for people with no one to share these holidays with. But maybe I just being a grouch! 
However... this happened: 
I got this strange feeling that my two year old didn't out enough effort in... I don't know just felt down seeing all he families together enjoying the rare sunny day here in Wales. 
But he made me a card... well nursery staff made me a card.


But then I sort of snapped out of this.... 
And thought about consumerism and how happy I am to have that little rascal running after me and licking my nose. Yeah it's a thing. My child when feeling extra affectionate climbs on me holds my head and licks my face... 

So happy holidays if you are celebrating! And happy Sunday if you are not! 
And yes I know it is Thursday! 

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Another Day Of Sun! La La Soundtrack

Have you seen La La Land? Well if you haven't you must have heard of it. And you heard all of that Oscar mishap and about the backlash against this wonderful picture. 
In my opinion some films have an important message or important sorry to tell like say Hidden Figures, and others tell a great sorry but without a deep meaning. And I think the La La was hat film. I mean it was about not giving up and have integrity but mainly it was about relationship of Mia and Sebastian. 


I think I didn't get warm fuzzing feelings about this movie due to crazy expectations I got after all the praise is the media... 
But then I have started listening to soundtrack... like all the time! It is glorious! Uplifting and makes me think happy thoughts. We even had a little dance off my with little one to Another Day Of Sun...
So basically I realised that I really enjoyed the film. Even if I didn't realise this straight away! It stays with you I guess...

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Damn you changing room mirror ...

Most of the time I am happy with my little wobbly bits and silly shortness... and and tiny feet that changed a lot after having a child. Yes my feet are now wide but still 2,5 size UK. So it is extra hard to buy shoes!
I am growing to love myself. I had a little dance around in my underwear the other day thinking that it's not so bad. I got very into sport BC (Before Child) so even if my bits were not skinny, no tigh gap and not a very define waist... well I was happy with how I looked. I was strong!

Look how not big I am... not that I am big now but I was more confident I guess... 

As strength goes I am still very strong. I can very easily carry a wiggle over 15kg child around. I would break some sweat but I will be fine. 

I even came with terms that yes I am a bit bigger now but size is just a number after all and the highstreet shops can't decided on sizing between them so when I am size 10 in one shop in another I would be size 14! What's is this madness... well it's just a number. 
So yesterday I didn't sleep much again due to he offspring having a strange sleeping thing... but it was Monday. It is my only day to myself so I went to roam around high-street shops. Mama's hips and thighs are so in love with each other so they can't stop touching so I need new jeans and new denim shorts... 
So it was good and well ok maybe I have picked up he wrong size after all... but the mirror made me look very very big. I have checked in mirror at home, I was still the same size. Don't know what happened...I got upset. I did actually get a lovely pair of jeans on gap with out trying them on even. And for a tenner I thought I'm good and well and back to normal self.
I even slept longer today. Thank you kid. 
But suddenly... I just feel fat and unfit...
But fine I haven't been doing anything active but chasing the child around and walking with him.... 
Oh and the usual self doubt as a mother. 
So I feel crap! 
But the optimist in me has woke up and said... "D, you are silly! And you need a good sleep. For a month" amazing what lack of sleep does to you. 
I am also going to sing up for a race and get out there... this mama is happy when she runs!

Monday, 13 March 2017

International Women's Day. Two Ways

I grew up with 8th March always being a holiday. In Russia there is also the Men's day, technically it is for gents who served in armed forces, 23rd February. But until fairly recently only 8th March was a holiday, however the February holiday is now official thing too. Guess men felt too left out. 
Well if you are Russian or former USSR you are aware that on 8th of March you will be getting presents just for being a girl and having a vagina. No matter the age. It's a thing. And that would be pretty much it. 
Living abroad where the day is just a day... but I think either I have started paying attention or the feminism was in the air this year.
And here is everyone's favorite feminist...

Lots of ladies shared photos and stories about their inspiring girlfriends, actual real life examples of female awesomeness were all over social media. And of course some of my male friends asked the old time question "when is men day?" And I was pleased to see that a lot of people replayed that it is everyday! 
Yes calls to activism on 8th March are louder somehow. But I just really enjoyed the stories of these nightly ladies who made a difference one way or another. It was nice. And I m so ok not having this day celebrated like a Russian lady. Oh look you have a vagina have some flowers. I am not saying it is wrong, I was just happier in celebrating these awesome women and one day I hope to be one of these. 
While my friends from back home were sharing pics of their gorgeous flower or handmade cards from their kiddies here in UK I observed a more empowering message. 
I wonder if we can combine the two. Have some flowers for being a girl or identify yourself as a woman, but also look and read about these awesome chicks!

On the same note really want to get this book
To read it to my awesome rebel boy.... Feminism isn't just about women its about equality of everyone!

Saturday, 4 March 2017

Let us praise the strong women

And may we be them and may we raise them! 
I just have seen hidden figures. And what a treat of the film it is. I didn't know much of the actual story and frankly I didn't think much of it before. 
It was truly fascinating. Especially since my gran taught math and I hate math. 


The way these brilliant women been treated made me really sick and I also realise how privileged I am just of my slightly olive skin tone, I am still white. 
How stupid it is to judge some one by they skin colour.  And as Janel Monae character put it it is something you cannot change! With all that strong will and super sass she is definitely my favourite heroine from this film. We just should be 1st! 
I also truly loved Octavia Spencer character's determination to keep her girls working. When did we as women began to be so mean to each other. We should support each other and fight for each other. There are still plenty walls and ceilings for us to break down, we need to work together... not tear each other down. 


Since I am not in the real world at this very moment I am blissfully unaware of workplace judgments bein a stay at home mother... I truly hope that we as women can be supportive. But I know not everyone as enlightened as me. 
One of my school friends lives for French language so teaches her little one already. Little flower is younger than my son but she has to battle every week with this question but why do you do this and being judged. I did try to tell her to ignore but as we know it is harder said than done. 
The other day two mothers with little kids watched me fight with my spirited toddler over a jacket, I could see the resentment and judgment. I didn't want to say that they will have this to come I wish they kids would be obedient and lovely... I am sure they will understand very soon what is what. 
But for now I will be brave, hard working, and will try my best to raise my son feminists. 

Monday, 27 February 2017

Visions of Red and Black. Oscars 2017

Oh all the right people won. Even despite that awkward moment we all be talking for years to come... Here is the outfits that made me really happy. And predominantly these are red and black. 

Can I please have the Viola Davies' cold shoulder number? 

Now that's a movie star Taraji P Henson!

Here are some honorable mentions that don't fall into my red and black obsession.

Golden girl Emma Stone like female Oscar 

Halle Berry's natural hair is a thing of beauty

 Oh Naomie Harris is super beautiful in this white structure galore with pretties asymmetric shoes. 

Oh and Hailee Steinfeld dressed like in a beautiful cloud of light fabric.... Just aww!

As for gentlemen it is of course the smart cut tailoring. I truly loved Riz Ahmed 

Or maybe it is because every time I see him I think of his character in Rogue One after he send the message to rebels... Heart breaks!!

And this... 

Pretty sure it is like a rule of Oscars, when in doubt bring your mama! 
I just cannot bring myself to watch Lion just yet. It is different viewing of sad film involving small kids when you become a parent. 
But I am off to see Moonlight tonight. Very excited about that! 

Tuesday, 21 February 2017


People come and go.. we change we are busy we priorities.... my little monkey comes first so I don't have time for anyone but him. Well you all can cook and wipe your own butts. 
Yes being a mother is amazing... but it is also super hard demanding and isolating. If you have one mum friend cosider yourself lucky. I have them but hey aren't near! I love you mamas but you aren't in arms reach. And you have mamas within 2 or 3 doors to you.. you are so lucky!! 

(I love Rhian hat much that even let her snapchat filer me!)

I thought I had that friend thing figured out... oh boy was I wrong. My freaking maid of honour turned out to be someone else. Not someone I want to maintain relationship with... it is hard to make friends when you are older... but some how I have couple of people I am fond of! And we don't need to talk all the time...  
Actually had some homemade cake and good company and a nice chat and sushi and secco later in a week... and I had my old friend over for silly film and wine a week before... feels nice to have people in your life who don't need their bums whipped by you...

Love you bitches we need to hang more!